I am an older, white, English, heterosexual, neurotypical woman.

Well.

At least some of that is true. See, I grew up in a time, not actually that long ago, when I just accepted things that I was told. Don’t make a fuss, don’t be different. Except actually, I always knew I was different – I just thought that was me, being weird.

I thought that because my parents were English, that was my heritage.

I thought that because I wasn’t severely learning disabled like people I knew who were autistic, I was neurotypical.

I thought that because I had a long-term relationship with a man, that I was heterosexual.

Funnily enough, it turned out that none of that was actually the case!

Finding out my heritage was a bit easier once there was DNA testing on family tree sites like Ancestry. Turns out that I am more Heinz variety than anything; lots of Irish and Scottish and all kinds of bits thrown in, including Romani.

The other things were harder lessons.

Having an openly bi (and later as they learnt more about themselves, trans) child, who also had a variety of neurodivergence, was probably the biggest part of me learning a bit more about myself too. I discovered I was dyspraxic when, sitting in an OT appointment with my eldest post diagnosis, I poured a cup of tea down my front and simultaneously threw my bag all over the floor. The OT looked kindly at me and said, ‘Parents often find out they have the same condition when their child is diagnosed…’. And it was true. As we went through some questionnaires, I realised more and more that I also identified with pretty much the whole thing – just that I had somehow learnt to put coping mechanisms around them, and to mask, mask, mask. As time has gone on, I have realised more and more about how autistic girls don’t get diagnosed, instead being seen as ‘highly strung’, weird, nerdy, whatever. And those girls grow into women ( – or sometimes non binary or trans masc adults!), who still find the world a confusing and frightening place. Women with ADHD are often misdiagnosed also, bipolar, anxiety, depression – yes these things are sometimes co-morbid, but actually, once you realise there’s a reason for things, somehow it’s a lot easier to work on and easier to occasionally even drop the mask. I have been asked why I pursued diagnosis so late – for me it was quite validating to know that yes, I am autistic, and there were so many things in my childhood and later years that suddenly made a lot of sense. Even in my assessment I was still clueless though – the assessor asked me ‘do you collect anything?’ and I said, no? No, I don’t think so.

Oh. I mean, unless you count – and as I was doing the interview by camera, I swung round to show him my Moomin cup collection, my tiny Moomins, my medium sized Moomins, my Moomin ornaments, my Moomins on the bed, my Moomin house – he sighed, and ticked a box…

I’m still waiting for my ADHD diagnosis (5 years now) but actually, knowing that there are things I can put in place to combat the chronic disorganisation and untidiness I have had my entire life; knowing that I can have mechanisms to cope with forever being late and always losing important things and forgetting things and flipping from one thing to the other, helps. I am forever being told by my partner to ‘show my working out’ when he says something and my mind leaps five steps away from that and goes in a completely different direction. Once, my eldest and I were at a Christmas market and the stall holder overheard a conversation between the two of us where we were both sparking off each other and in absolute hysterics. He said ‘I wish I could get some of what you two are on!’ But we were just being us. Because having ADHD and being autistic is not always a curse!

In terms of my sexuality, I have come to realise that it’s not about who you’re with, it’s about attraction too. And I am not actually only attracted to one gender, and not even attracted to people because of gender. I don’t get attracted to many people, but it’s regardless of gender. I therefore now say I identify as pansexual. I’m in a monogamous relationship, so I could easily ‘pass’ as heterosexual. But I know I’m not. Just like all those years I was trying to ‘pass’ as neurotypical.

Time for the masks to go.

I am an older, white, pansexual, neurodiverse woman with a rich heritage. There, that’ll do it!

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